Archive by Author

How to Love Being Single

31 Aug

I got this interesting video in my inbox. It was called “How to Love Being Single.” I had to laugh because a lot of us women are the saltiest chicks on the face of the planet when we don’t have a significant other. We don’t “love” being single and we often tell our friends that have a partner that they are “lucky”.

The video below says a person should do the following to “Love” being Single:

  • Self Sufficiency
  • Gratitude
  • Hobbies and Interests
  • Courage
  • Strong Social Network
[howcast url=’http://www.howcast.com/videos/356298-How-To-Love-Being-Single’ height=’240′ width=’360′]

I think the list is missing a few things. Watch the video below then comment with things you would add to the list above!

Advertisements

Your Shorts are too DAMN short

24 Aug

No. I’m not jealous. I’m not envious of their bodies. I’m not hating on them. This is simply a matter of hygiene.

Photo Credit: Tawny Rockerazzi

Ladies, if you commute via the MTA train system in NYC, PLEASE DON’T WEAR DAISY DUKES! Its disgusting. Especially if you are sitting while riding (no pun intended).
Here is how you know if your shorts are too damn short to ride the train:

  • If I have to shield my eyes because I can see the crease between the back of your upper thigh and rear end – Your shorts are too damn short.
  • If your butt cheek and the train seat make contact – Your shorts are too damn short.
  • If you need to slide over so that someone can sit beside you, but you can’t because the friction between the skin on your backside and the seat is too great – Your shorts are too damn short.
  • If the inside cloth of your back pockets hang lower than the jean fabric of your shorts – Your shorts are too damn short.

I understand we all have a right to look cute. The issue is, you don’t know who or what has been on that train seat. Sitting on the train with daisy dukes leaves you vulnerable to any little germs that can crawl up in your [helloooo]! Also, I don’t know where you’ve been and I don’t want to know where you’re going. I don’t want you to leave a trail on the train seat so I can find you! Feel me?

Ugh.

24k Gold Facial “Masque”

20 Apr

Oh yes!

Goldy is back, and I’ve decided to return with a self indulging post about 24k Gold Facials – yes ladies, your facial can be gilded and gleaming. UMO Salon, located in Tokyo, introduced its 24k Gold facial in 2007. It’s also being offered all over the world (including the United States). For those of us who live in NY, get UMO products for a Gold facial Mask at the NY Plaza Hotel.

Some of the benefits of the Gold Facial Treatment include:
Firmer skin
Improved Tone
Improved Texture
Reduce Wrinkles
Stimulate blood circulation

So treat yourself and your girlfriends to a 24K gold facial today. Midas would be proud!

Tiger Woods…Kobe Woods…BRAVO!

28 Dec

Tiger Woods. Kobe Woods. Allegedly, Shaq Woods. Allegedly, Dwayne Wade Woods. Allegedly [some dude you know] Woods. The list continues. As woman after woman comes out of the wood works (pun intended), I can’t help but think about how all these star’s wives feel. After reading the post below, “51 things you should know before you get engaged,” I feel like…it doesn’t matter how much you know about your fiance…

The ENTIRE male species is full of GREAT actors. MY GOODNESS. Don’t get me wrong, women cheat. But men, only men can cheat, with very little motivation. Wife stays home, wife takes care of the children, wife cooks, wife cleans, yep…I got it alllllllll – except shorty right there. As if the lack of drama forces them to make drama. Continue reading

Commuter-cation: I’m Scared of Pregnant People

31 Aug

I’m a Christian woman with many fears (a character flaw which probably has Jesus PO’d at me). One of my biggest fears is pregnant women…walking the streets.

pregnant warrior with deer-hooks by dizznbonn.

 

I think they should walk with little signs on their backs, like little bibs that track runners wear. A “P” on it will do. It can stand for “pregnant” or “pouch”. If they have one on, when I’m rushing behind them to catch the train…see the “P” on their backs and know this is a Kangaroo–baby onboard.

The sign is necessary! From the back I can’t see the belly bulge. I fear that I will scream at a pregnant woman who is taking too long in front of me — trying to catch that train her belly will most likely make the both of us miss.

I think they should stay home during their entire pregnancy. I know this is unrealistic because of the recession and this incurable and unstoppable outbreak of SingleMomitis. I fear they slip during cold winters or someone rushing might clip the back of their shoes. Because of this, amidst the hustle and bustle of NYC life, I take my time. I pretend everyone is pregnant (Men and Women). I keep as much distance as Usain Bolt and second place when I see these pregnant people. You should too.

Lord, help me…get to work on time.

-picture by dizznbonn. She doesn’t share my fear…even though a lot of pregnant women want to buss me up right now.

Crazy Masque: I tried natural hair

21 May

So last night I tried to do my hair natural for the first time, and I looked like this:

My boyfriend re-confirmed by stating it himself, “Gold, you look like a chuckie doll
Then he changed his mind. He said, ” No Gold, you look like that green dude BLANKA, from street fighter
Then he said, ” You know, what…not even. You look like that guy Vega from Dragon Ball Z
Then after he saw that I was pissed…”Ok Gold, I really don’t care about your hair…you drive me crazy…but I worry about what they will say at your job.

I proceeded to pull up to a bus stop burst into tears and tell him “Get the F%*K” out my car.

Ok I’m lying …about the “Get the F%*K” out my car part. But I cried so hard last night my eyes are swollen. He felt so bad, he apologized and said “This is my fault, I’m sorry for pressuring you Gold“…because ultimately, THE ONLY reason why I didn’t get my normal full head of weave was because he said he really wanted to see my “Natural Beauty“. I’m cute…with weave, or without…BUT for me…going natural is different than most people I’ve read that went through the journey of going natural. I can go natural. Anyone can…but for me its the difference between looking 26 years old and looking 14. Corporate vs Playground. Clubbing vs Club Med.

Even my mom, who sorry to say doesn’t have the best sense when it comes to hair and fashion said…”Maybe you should skip church and go get your hair re-done.” Well I am. All you church go-ers…say a special prayer for me and my hair follicles. Thanks.

*the views expressed by Gold are not indicative of how all of us feel. clearly, we love natural beauties, but everyone is entitled to their own opinions 🙂

I’m Recession Cute

11 May

The way to meet guys today is to look “Recession Cute”. Within the last month, I’ve gotten several numbers from very cute men by sporting the items below. I’m almost sure it will work for the rest of you:

DIRTY Turquoise and white (used to be) sneakers

I won’t mention the brand of these darlings, but I bought them in August 2007. After 2 half marathons and miles and miles of training, these suckers can literally have a conversation with me.

Leopard print head tie
So when I go to the gym, I take of my cute little short wig to let it air out and write my head up in a leopard print head tie. WHO KNOWS where this came from. Its one of those things I just found around the house.

Absolut Vodka tee shirt
I’m not sure if the liquor on my shirt is an essential ingredient to the love-sweat potion that drips from my brow, but this tee reels men in like bait in shark infested waters.

DIRTY black or lavender workout pants
People say its my buttocks…I beg to differ because I’ve always had a rather large rear and and still never got the digits until I wore these bad boys. I’m not sure of the brand because they are so watched out that the tags are illegible.

Mustard and Black workout gloves
I have no clothes in mustard so these gloves NEVER match my outfit.

No Make Up
I never wear make-up to the gym…and if I do, its by mistake.

There you go! I call my look “Recession cute”. Wear all of these and you’ll have more men talk to you than ever before!

Hater Masque: Michelle Obama

4 May

I’m so sorry…but I have my hater masque on. Michelle Obama has RUINED my love life. How you say? Any single black female knows where I’m coming from…

I can NEVER date a REGULAR dude ever again.

Every time a dude hollers…I ask him the following questions:

  • Are you a community organizer?
  • Did you graduate Harvard Law?
  • Do you believe you can be Commander-in-Chief one day?
  • Shhhheeyt if not president, do you at least want to be a senator??

A dude says ‘No’ to any one of those, I can’t date him. I mean…look at what Michelle has! I have to match her…or surpass her. My dude better want to be like…president of the World. Werd.

P.S. Look at her in this picture…just laughing at all of us in her head. I see you Michelle…

How to Make A Woman Happy

10 Apr

Recently I’ve been having major problems getting into, keeping, and maintaining a relationship. I MIGHT be having these problems –because I date people who don’t know how to keep me happy (and are slightly insane). Here is a list that a friend of mine sent me by email. The list was entitled: “How to Make A Woman Happy”. Enjoy:

How to Make a Woman Happy

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44 compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47.. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
AND IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

I enjoyed this next part:
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked

2. Bring chicken wings

3. Don’t block the TV

Relationship Rant #5

25 Mar
2 degrees …and Im still an idiot.
Just because you’ve gone to the best schools in the country….
Just because you’ve been top of your class since pre-school….
Just because you’ve got pieces in a museum…

doesn’t mean you’re smart enough to pick a man.

relationship rant

I’m ass-shamed of myself because at the grand ole age of 26. I still cant pick the right person. I fall for the same tricks EVERY TIME. BUT AS OF TODAY…NO MORE… I will not fall for it. Here’s my study sheet of things that guys do and say that indicate THEY ARE LYING.

HE LYING- STUDY SHEET
If he says…
Come see me, then I’ll come see you…HE LYING (he just want to bone)
I want learn more about your past boyfriends so I can be better…HE LYING (he want to know what he can get away with)
I bought this for you…HE LYING (he found it)
I want to meet your friends …HE LYING (he don’t like you…he likes your homegirl)
I want to explore the world together …HE LYING (he want to move out his mom’s house)

I want to settle down …HE LYING (He just trying to get you open)
I love you…HE LYING (again..he just trying to get you open)
I am not seeing anyone else …HE LYING (He’s boning 3 other girls that he’s techincally not “seeing” at the moment because they arent in front of his face)

This list will grow…because dudes stay testing me. But I’ll be ready.

 

picture by Id-iom