Your Shorts are too DAMN short

No. I’m not jealous. I’m not envious of their bodies. I’m not hating on them. This is simply a matter of hygiene.

Photo Credit: Tawny Rockerazzi

Ladies, if you commute via the MTA train system in NYC, PLEASE DON’T WEAR DAISY DUKES! Its disgusting. Especially if you are sitting while riding (no pun intended).
Here is how you know if your shorts are too damn short to ride the train:

• If I have to shield my eyes because I can see the crease between the back of your upper thigh and rear end – Your shorts are too damn short.

• If your butt cheek and the train seat make contact – Your shorts are too damn short.

• If you need to slide over so that someone can sit beside you, but you can’t because the friction between the skin on your backside and the seat is too great – Your shorts are too damn short.

• If the inside cloth of your back pockets hang lower than the jean fabric of your shorts – Your shorts are too damn short.

I understand we all have a right to look cute. The issue is, you don’t know who or what has been on that train seat. Sitting on the train with daisy dukes leaves you vulnerable to any little germs that can crawl up in your [helloooo]! Also, I don’t know where you’ve been and I don’t want to know where you’re going. I don’t want you to leave a trail on the train seat so I can find you! Feel me?

Ugh.

Commuter-cation: I’m Scared of Pregnant People

I’m a Christian woman with many fears (a character flaw which probably has Jesus PO’d at me). One of my biggest fears is pregnant women…walking the streets.

 

I think they should walk with little signs on their backs, like little bibs that track runners wear. A “P” on it will do. It can stand for “pregnant” or “pouch”. If they have one on, when I’m rushing behind them to catch the train…see the “P” on their backs and know this is a Kangaroo–baby onboard.

The sign is necessary! From the back I can’t see the belly bulge. I fear that I will scream at a pregnant woman who is taking too long in front of me — trying to catch that train her belly will most likely make the both of us miss.

I think they should stay home during their entire pregnancy. I know this is unrealistic because of the recession and this incurable and unstoppable outbreak of SingleMomitis. I fear they slip during cold winters or someone rushing might clip the back of their shoes. Because of this, amidst the hustle and bustle of NYC life, I take my time. I pretend everyone is pregnant (Men and Women). I keep as much distance as Usain Bolt and second place when I see these pregnant people. You should too.

Lord, help me…get to work on time.

-picture by dizznbonn. She doesn’t share my fear…even though a lot of pregnant women want to buss me up right now.

I love NYC Street Fairs!

 

There is no better surprise than jumping off the train for a light stroll on Broadway only to run smack dab into a genuine New York City Street Fair.  The sun is shining and a mixture of gyros, grilled corn and funnel cakes spill in the air.  Tie-dyed dresses and extravagant pashmina scarves hang from the stands.  For blocks and blocks, the pedestrian  friendly streets are crowded with strollers, the elderly, the young, romantic couples and loners.  There is a blues musician playing on one corner and someone selling plants and flowers on another.  

 

NYC street fairs are so awesome because they only happen in the summer.  They can be up to a mile long and randomly dispersed around Manhattan.  There are some in the mid-60’s on Fashion Ave, some in the Financial District, others on the Upper West Side and every where in between.  Please check them out, if you haven’t already had the pleasure.  Not only is it a great place to nab one-of-a-kind items but it makes for a wonderful time out with friends, family, and most of all, yourself

 

Here is the schedule of the City’s Fairs, so you don’t always have to be surprised, like myself!

subway sadness.

I love New York City, I swear I do. But I have one tiny qualm…

I HATE the subway. A lot.

This morning, I was trying to catch my morning cat nap when someone WIGGLES in to the tiny space next to me.

If you need to wiggle into a space, YOU DO NOT BELONG THERE. And had the nerve to be sipping a McCafe with this pungent java smell, mixed with too many extra splashes of vanilla syrup and too much darn milk. GAG.

Please, I beg you New Yorkers, be smart when on the subway. Some are more aware than others. Please help people gauge whether or not they can sit in that seat. Save us all the trouble. Thanks.

– Kelly.